Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances,
That’s not for human beings. Move within,
But don’t move the way fear makes you move,
Walk to the well,
Turn as the earth and moon turn,
Circling what they love,
Whatever comes from the center.
- Rumi
Six years ago, I was diagnosed with a
malignant melanoma. I had always told myself (and others) that, if I ever had
cancer, I would go for holistic treatment.
The moment happened very fast, however. The doctor called me herself the
moment she received the results. She asked me if I could come in that morning
for the surgery. I hesitated, partly explaining, partly thinking out loud in my
shock. I was scheduled to teach a Continuum class that morning. The doctor’s
office was in Santa Barbara, almost two hours drive away. She stopped me. “This
is important!” she admonished, adding to the shock.
Please understand; I love this doctor. She
was actually an osteopath who had chosen to specialize in dermatology. She had
explained to me that she chose dermatology because she wanted to see her child
grow up. She didn’t want to be on call at all times of the day or night when
her child was little.
I drove to Santa Barbara that afternoon directly
from teaching my Continuum class (!), telling myself repeatedly how healthy my
skin was. As the doctor cut into my body, she exclaimed, “Look at this
beautiful, healthy skin!” I was amazed! How often does this happen during an
operation? I told her I had been saying this to myself all the way there. She
acted like of course that had made a difference.
I then ventured to tell her I had been on a
so-called anti-cancer diet for 25 years. Why had this happened when I had been
Macrobiotic for so long? Again, I appreciated her response. She pointed out
that the melanoma hadn’t spread and I didn’t require extensive surgery or other
interventions like many people with this kind of cancer do. Perhaps
Macrobiotics had saved me from a more severe situation.
I’m still Macrobiotic and still
appreciating the apparent support to my health and well-being. I also still
appreciate that I didn’t require extensive medical interventions. And I am still aware of how close I came to
something else.
A Wake Up Call
You never really get over a diagnosis of
cancer, or at least, if you do, you shouldn’t. If you survive such an event, I
believe it is a wake up call.
Recently, my body reminded me of this
experience when I wasn’t paying as much attention to it as it would have liked.
I felt pain in the incision site where the ghost of the melanoma lives. Of
course fear arose. Could there be something there? Could the cancer have
silently spread, invisible to the doctor? Could I have been discharged from
regular check ups too soon?
Fear is a natural aspect of life. We can
buy into it and feed it, or we can appreciate it and seek its wisdom.
I found myself thinking that I wanted to
live my life as if I had cancer. What difference would it make to know if there
was a recurrence or metastasis? I could just deepen my commitment to live as if
there was. I could listen to the wake up call, as if it were there each day. I
could just wake up!
The Wisdom of Fear
Where did that expression above about
seeking fear’s wisdom come from? It is actually a new thought for me.
Can fear carry wisdom? We tend to think of
fear as problematic. When children or animals are afraid, they need to be
calmed, soothed and reassured. When adults act in fear, they seem to be
re-living a child aspect, allowing it to rule life.
Fear, however, can also be reality based.
We fear the unknown, which is at times very wise. We fear what reminds us of
harmful or painful past experiences or relationships.
An important part of our brains, the
amygdala, specializes in identifying incoming sensory and perceptual
information as dangerous or benign. If the amygdala defines the event as
dangerous, a neurobiological alarm sounds throughout the body-mind. We have the
ability to quickly make this evaluation and get of harm’s way when deemed
appropriate. This is extremely useful, even life-saving, if we are stepping out
into the road in front of a speeding car, or about to be attacked by a saber-toothed
tiger or other stranger.
The amygdala, however, can also evaluate
things incorrectly. It bases its decisions on the information available to it, derived
from past experience. That past influence is not limited to what we are
consciously aware of. Our early experiences, like those in the womb and our
earliest days after birth, can profoundly affect our perceptions throughout
life. Developing awareness of our own personal history can actually help to
liberate us from its effects, as awareness brings us more into present time,
stimulating different parts of the brain. When fear arises, it can be a message
to us to pay attention, attend to what is actually happening now, to
differentiate between what happened back then and our current reality.
The neurobiological flow of information is
something we can affect through regular practices that facilitate us in
orienting to present time rather than staying locked in the past. Activities
like mindfulness meditation, Continuum Movement, and other practices involving
honing sensitivity to the ever-changing myriad of sensations, thoughts,
feelings, and images we all experience stimulate the parts of the brain
involved with being in present time. When the pre-frontal cortex is well tuned
and connected, the amygdala is less likely to control our lives or get out of
control. We need not live in fear.Meeting Life Fully
I feel grateful for all the practices I
benefit from. My ability to orient to present time, rather than rigidly
responding from past experience, is supported not only by my practice of
Continuum and other movement meditations, but also by being a practitioner of
Biodynamic Craniosacral therapy. In this beautiful work, I spend hours each
work day, sitting quietly in subtle presence and awareness, orienting to slow,
subtle rhythms expressed in all of nature, including my clients. My teacher,
Anna Chitty, called our work, “meditation in relationship.” What a wonderful
opportunity to be as present as possible with another human being! In the
process, my brain, as well as my client’s, re-creates itself. This is how I
want to be living!
If I had cancer, I would spend most of my
time in these mindful practices, doing hours a day of Continuum, Biodynamics
and other meditations. When not actively in those practices, I would have an
intention to meet all that arises in my life with that kind of awareness, being
with life as fully as possible. And, yes, I would be writing about it - another
of my favorite activities, which also (I hope) benefits others.
Whether the cancer, my wake up call, took
over my body or not, it would take over my life in this positive sense, each
moment reminding me of the importance of being.
I want to follow Rumi’s advice. “Keep
walking, though there’s no place to get to.” I intend to “circle what (I)
love,” allowing my heart and love to guide me, learning from the fear.
...love your words, it meets exactly what my situation is asking for! Thank you.
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